I Was A Teenage Idiot

Oh, my. The memories this post brings back.

I think I might have mentioned somewhere before that I went through a phase for about a year when I was teenager where I was drunk or stoned pretty much any time I wasn't in school. I had a group of friends that I had started hanging out with that, while good friends, weren't exactly the best influence. Now I was never really one to cave into peer pressure, it's just that being around it all the time made me curious. So I fell into the same habits they did.

Getting stoned? Sure. BAD experiences. First time I did it, I stumbled around feeling nauseous and as though I was going to die for 2 hours before eating three toast sandwiches (just toast...nothing else. No butter, no nothing.) and a bowl of potato salad and falling asleep after shrieking at my then-boyfriend NOT TO TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN OR I'D DIE. Another time (having not learned from my first experience, evidently) my friend and I managed, WITHOUT EITHER OF US KNOWING, to get hold of weed that had been laced with CRYSTAL METH. I shit you not. I was totally out of it for 12 fuckin' hours, during which I nearly put my eye out when I broke a string on my guitar after trying to play Stairway To Heaven (because , you know, I was a guitar MASTER suddenly) squinted at the radio for half an hour trying to figure out why all the music was playing too fast, and annoyed the large group of friends who were babysitting us both by repeatedly asking when this shit would wear off. About nine million times a minute.

After that, I quit smoking. I was a bit reckless but not a complete idiot.

But drinking? Yea. Drinking was still fair game. I'm sure I don't remember most of the very dumbest things I did while drunk, as I got the black out experience more than once. There is nothing quite so embarrassing as waking up in your bed and hearing stories about how your friends had to carry you home and clean up vomit from various places. The first time I kissed Ex? Yea, I was blacked out. Can't remember it to save my life. As a matter of fact I woke up the next day wondering why I suddenly had a crush on him. I suppose I should have realized this boded ill for the rest of the relationship, but alas, I did not. Another time I decided I just HAD to walk home and sleep in my own bed (at 3 AM, when everyone else was asleep) so I set off. I do not remember anything about walking home, but when I woke up the next day I was in my bed, covered in mud and with a hole in my shirt. Turns out I somehow managed to cross a six lane highway, scale a six foot board fence, fall into a ditch and most amazingly of all, get home without being arrested.

Luckily for me I was always around a group of friends who took care of me if they had to and watched out for me. They interfered more than once on my behalf with scuzzy boyfriends trying to take advantage of my inebriated state. For that I am very thankful.

Whenever I look back at all this I cringe. Oh, how I cringe. The times I should have gotten arrested or hospitalized defy the imagination. I cannot believe how dumb I was. And considering my parents were dead and I lived with my grandmother, who was blissfully clueless to all this and let me come and go as I pleased...I'm honestly amazed I didn't come to more harm.

Thankfully I had a streak of common sense just big enough to prevent myself from going totally over the edge. And eventually I realized I was wasting my time and acting like an idiot, and I got a job and quit doing quite as many stupid things.

And now I have a daughter. And while her teenage days are still a comfortable distance away, I still get nervous. Because when it comes down to it, it is the kid that has to make their own decisions. Unless I keep her locked away in a closet, odds are she will run into some of the same situations I did. And while I can impart to her my suggestions and thoughts and advice and rules, in the end it's up to her. If she wants to do something, she'll find a way to do it. I'm not naive enough to think she won't. Teenagers are devious that way. I just hope she inherits less of my teen recklessness and a bit more of my common sense and self preservation.

And my luck, because lord knows I must have had quite a bit of it.

Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned

It's time for a confession.

Oh, you guys are gonna be so mad at me.

So Ex has been coming around the last few days, to bring me groceries and run other little errands. We said when we split up that we were going to keep it civil for Little One's sake. And we've been getting along pretty well.

And he's started talking about getting back together. He is saying how he was an idiot to let me go, to pull the gone all the time shit, to leave me for HER. She, apparently, is a raving nutter. She's already telling him she loves him, that they should get a place together (she lives with her mom-did I mention she's only 18? Ex is only 21, so it's not sicko or anything, but still) that she doesn't want him to pull out.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Can you say crazy?

So now that he's seen her psychosis, I think he is really regretting what he's done.

Here's the confession part-I've actually been considering it. *ducks*

I KNOW. I know, I am being a raging idiot. Of course since she didn't turn out to be his dream girl, he's gonna come crawling back to me. What happens when the next little tart comes around? What happens when he doesn't change his ways, like he swears he will? And I hate myself for even considering it.

It's just so damn hard, this single mom bit. I miss him. A lot. Sitting here with my insomniac self, night after night, is driving me insane. It's so fucking LONELY here with just me and the wee one. No one to talk to (that possesses a vocabulary, anyway) no one to watch movies with, no one to cuddle me. The nights just DRAG by. I know I should be strong but when it's just me here, listening to the deafening silence, waiting for dawn to roll around, well...anything seems better than that.

And I still love him. So much. I can't help that. He is the first guy that I've had a truly serious relationship with. He made me feel beautiful, and smart, and awesome. He gave me self confidence, made me believe it was possible for someone to love me back, that I wouldn't always be the lover and not the loved. And I know that if he came along, then it's possible for someone else to come along. Right now though, I just don't WANT anyone else.

Deep down, though, I don't really believe him when he says he will change, and that things will be better, like they were when we first got together. I don't think they will. And there is a tiny little part of me that doesn't care. Very tiny, but it's there. That sad, pathetic little part of my being is willing to take whatever he dishes out just to have him back again. That is the part I am trying to squash, because it scares me.

I know I have to be strong for my daughter. She doesn't need to grow up with a father who is going to be gone all the time and hurt her mommy. Not too long from now she will be old enough to realize something is wrong with how daddy acts. And I don't want her to have to go through that. I don't want her to feel abandoned or like he doesn't love her.

I just wish I could fix him. I wish I could make him not put his own selfish needs and desires before his family. Because I know I can't take him back just because I am missing him like crazy. God, part of me wants to so badly, but there is another, larger part that wants to protect my daughter from hurt, like my mother never did. That is the part that is going to have to come out on top, for both our sakes.

I just hope it gets better soon. Right now I feel completely overwhelmed.

And yes, eventually I will shut the fuck up about this whole thing. I'm just trying to work my way through it, and this blog is helping me do that, along with all the wonderful messages and support I've been getting. Thanks again, you guys. You're awesome.