Saturday, May 19, 2007

Self Pity Bonanza

Today I'm going to whine.

Because yea, guess what I'm doing today? I'm sitting at home. While all my friends go to the beach. And I wanna go to the motherfuckin' beach.

But I can't, as I have no one to watch Little One, and what would I do with a four month old at the beach?

You know, I'm only 22. I still want to DO stuff. I am not really at the point in my life where I am perfectly content sitting at home all day changing diapers and wiping up drool. I dearly love my daughter, of course. And I love spending time with her and watching her goofy grins and watching her try her damndest to sit up and then getting her mad face when she can't.

But still.

That's ALL I DO.

I get out of the house to go grocery shopping. Or to check the mail. Or to go buy diapers.

Step back! I'm crazy and out of control! Put me on motherfuckin' Mommies Gone Wild!

I don't even really like the beach here. The water's a nasty browny-grey color and there's seaweed everywhere and I don't really like how itchy saltwater makes me feel, but that's not the point. The point is, everyone else is going, and when they call to invite me, it's all, "Oh, yea. I guess you don't have a babysitter, huh? That sucks. Well gotta go. Have fun playing peek a boo."

You know?

I know I should be grateful to have my daughter and count my blessings because so many women can't even have kids and so forth. And I am. I really really am.

I just wish I could have maybe a teensy tiny bit of a life, too.

And it's not like I have a husband who can be all, "Oh go take a bath honey, I'll watch her" or "Go out with your friends, we'll be ok for a little bit." (I know, You're probably all laughing hysterically at the idea of a husband that actually does that kinda thing, but this is my fantasy life, kay?) Because my husband? He ran off with some little tramp.

I really don't mean to sound like an ungrateful bitch, it's just some days I sit there making faces at my kiddo and somewhere in the back of my head I'm thinking, Is this all I'm going to do for the rest of my life? Ever? Sit here and make faces and wipe up formula?

I dunno. It's just the 24/7 baby thing with no one around to help or even have an adult conversation with is just kinda getting to me.


I'll be better tomorrow, I promise.