Wednesday, March 7, 2007

Bless Me Father, For I Have Sinned

It's time for a confession.

Oh, you guys are gonna be so mad at me.

So Ex has been coming around the last few days, to bring me groceries and run other little errands. We said when we split up that we were going to keep it civil for Little One's sake. And we've been getting along pretty well.

And he's started talking about getting back together. He is saying how he was an idiot to let me go, to pull the gone all the time shit, to leave me for HER. She, apparently, is a raving nutter. She's already telling him she loves him, that they should get a place together (she lives with her mom-did I mention she's only 18? Ex is only 21, so it's not sicko or anything, but still) that she doesn't want him to pull out.

Yes, that's exactly what I'm talking about. Can you say crazy?

So now that he's seen her psychosis, I think he is really regretting what he's done.

Here's the confession part-I've actually been considering it. *ducks*

I KNOW. I know, I am being a raging idiot. Of course since she didn't turn out to be his dream girl, he's gonna come crawling back to me. What happens when the next little tart comes around? What happens when he doesn't change his ways, like he swears he will? And I hate myself for even considering it.

It's just so damn hard, this single mom bit. I miss him. A lot. Sitting here with my insomniac self, night after night, is driving me insane. It's so fucking LONELY here with just me and the wee one. No one to talk to (that possesses a vocabulary, anyway) no one to watch movies with, no one to cuddle me. The nights just DRAG by. I know I should be strong but when it's just me here, listening to the deafening silence, waiting for dawn to roll around, well...anything seems better than that.

And I still love him. So much. I can't help that. He is the first guy that I've had a truly serious relationship with. He made me feel beautiful, and smart, and awesome. He gave me self confidence, made me believe it was possible for someone to love me back, that I wouldn't always be the lover and not the loved. And I know that if he came along, then it's possible for someone else to come along. Right now though, I just don't WANT anyone else.

Deep down, though, I don't really believe him when he says he will change, and that things will be better, like they were when we first got together. I don't think they will. And there is a tiny little part of me that doesn't care. Very tiny, but it's there. That sad, pathetic little part of my being is willing to take whatever he dishes out just to have him back again. That is the part I am trying to squash, because it scares me.

I know I have to be strong for my daughter. She doesn't need to grow up with a father who is going to be gone all the time and hurt her mommy. Not too long from now she will be old enough to realize something is wrong with how daddy acts. And I don't want her to have to go through that. I don't want her to feel abandoned or like he doesn't love her.

I just wish I could fix him. I wish I could make him not put his own selfish needs and desires before his family. Because I know I can't take him back just because I am missing him like crazy. God, part of me wants to so badly, but there is another, larger part that wants to protect my daughter from hurt, like my mother never did. That is the part that is going to have to come out on top, for both our sakes.

I just hope it gets better soon. Right now I feel completely overwhelmed.

And yes, eventually I will shut the fuck up about this whole thing. I'm just trying to work my way through it, and this blog is helping me do that, along with all the wonderful messages and support I've been getting. Thanks again, you guys. You're awesome.