A Bit Overwhelmed

Sometimes, it's all a bit much to handle.

I'm reaching the point where I've recovered enough to start thinking about finding a job, and how I'm going to have to find a day care for little one. How I'm going to have to find a smaller apartment because I can't afford this one alone. How I'm going to have to face this all on my own.
It scares me.

Everyone seems to think I am such a strong person and that I can do this but I don't FEEL strong. I feel helpless and panicked. I feel like everything is weighing me down and slowly smothering me. When I look ahead at the rest of my life, the only bright spot in it is my daughter. The rest of it seems like an endless line of bill paying, working a job I hate, and struggling.

I just don't know how to deal with it all.

Some days I just want to curl up in a ball and cover my head with a blanket and cry.

They May Take Our Lives, But They'll Never Take Our Freedom!!

Sorry. I've been watching Braveheart. God, I love a Scottish accent. Yum.

Anyway, mommy's going out this weekend! Ex's parents are watching little one for the weekend so that I can go out and de-stress. And it just so happens to be St. Paddy's day Saturday too.

Fake Irish accents anyone?

Anyway, I plan to get sloshed and not think about a damn thing but having fun.

FYI, like I said before, this may be my last posting for a while, since the Internet's gone any day now. Don't lose faith, loyal readers, I shall return. In the meantime I'll try to get to the library once or twice.

No Need For Violence

So I was thinking about it today, and I realized something.

For the past week I have thought a lot about hunting his little bitch down and beating the crap out of her for the crap she pulled. But then I figured something out.

She's a fucking kid.

I told you she was 18, right? Well, there are 18 year olds that are adults and there are 18 year olds that, well, aren't. She is the latter of the two. I see how she talks to him in her messages ("Baby you're so hott. I love you!" ) She is still very much in a high school relationship frame of mind. She doesn't know what it is to have a grown up relationship with grown up problems. She still lives with mommy and daddy and has all her stuff paid for. She doesn't even have a job.

And I figure one day, down the road, she will get married, settle down, and have a family, and then she will look back on this and wonder what the hell she thought she was doing. She will think about how she would feel if some little tart was to come along and do the same thing to her.
Right now, she doesn't realize that. She is very much a spoiled brat, so she sees something she wants and goes for it, no thought to the consequences or how her actions affect others.

So why should I kick her ass? It might make me feel better, no doubt about that, but my point still won't be made. She is too young and immature to realize what she has done. Beating the snot out of her won't solve that, and will probably just get me thrown in jail.

So I guess I'll just let it go and let her learn her own lessons. Much as I wish I could just clock her in the face, there's just no point to it. Let her play her games and have her fun.

Unless she tries to start something with me.

In which case it's on.

I might be older and wiser, but I'm not a martyr.

And by the way; everyone calm down. I'm not gonna get back with him. I'm allowed a moment of weakness, aren't I? I'm just still adjusting to all this, that's all.

Aw, Crap

So I woke up this morning and I realized-how am I going to get laid now?

Yea, I know. It should be the last thing on my mind, but now that my downstairs no longer feels like someone set off an M80 in there, my libido has been slowly making a comeback. It's not like I woke up feelin' frisky or anything. It was just a sort of random observation.

I am used to having booty on call. Now what?

It's not like I couldn't. I know there are calls I could make to get some tail. (God, now I sound like a hooker.) Old exes, friends that would, ahem, probably oblige me, being guys and all. But I don't want to just have a one nighter. That's never really been my thing. Call me old fashioned, but I like to have a little emotional attachment with those I sleep with.

It's just one of the many things that I have to get used to after taking it for granted for so long. Along with taking the trash out myself, going to check the mail, cleaning the cat box (one perk of pregnancy that I miss, no cat poopies to scoop), washing the car.

Sigh.

Being single is a pain in the rear.

And one of my neighbors is playing Sarah McLachlan FAR too loud.

Ah well. At least they aren't playing the oboe again.

Thoughts n' Stuff

There's my daughter! I told you I was a bad photographer, but look at that grin!

They should make a freakin button on the TV that makes the remote control beep. You know, like what they have for cordless phones. I lose the damn remote constantly. Doesn't help that we have like 4 different remotes, either.

Top Ten Favorite Movies (In No Particular Order)

1. Dragonheart
   
2. All the Kevin Smith movies (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, Clerks 2. Yea, there's 7 of em. I know it's cheating.)
3. Cinderella Man
4. Braveheart
5. The Lion King
6. Bruce Almighty
7. Bad Santa
8. Pirates of the Carribean 1 & 2
9. My Best Friend's Wedding
10. Indiana Jones 1, 2, & 3
    

I am still all excited about the new Harry Potter book. It needs to be July already. (<---loser)

Men suck. Some of em, anyway.

Bleh.

On Mothering

I don't think I've yet figured out what kind of mother I will be.

On the one hand, you have the overprotective zealot moms. The ones who want to ban books from libraries, protest violence and sex in movies and TV, and generally shelter their kids from anything they deem offensive. The kind who have a sort of, My Way Is The Only Way outlook on parenting. These are usually the moms who think spanking is the devil incarnate and the like. They don't really seem to be happy unless they are wrangling to get something banned, taken off their air or edited.

Then, you have the other side of the spectrum. The "cool" moms, who generally let their kids do, say, watch, wear or read anything they want, who don't impose curfews, who let their kids just generally run wild and expect them to learn their own lessons with a minimum of guidance.

Most mothers fall into a kind of gray area between the two, sometimes leaning farther to one side or the other, but mostly just trying to find a balance between sheltering your child from things and letting them find their own way, form their own opinions and beliefs.

This is the kind of mom I hope I turn out to be. In a way, I think it is the hardest, because you have no cut and dried rules for any given situation. There's no dogma in how you cope with situations that arise; each has to be evaluated and a livable (for both of you) conclusion arrived at. You have to look at things and think to yourself, Will this harm my child? Will it affect how he sees himself, or others? Will it cause him to have a biased view? Will it make him think he can walk all over me? Am I trying to shelter him too much, so that he won't be prepared when the big bad world out there comes and knocks him on his ass for the first time? Is he ready for this yet, or should I wait? Do I care what everyone else will say about my decision? Can I deal with their criticism?

So many questions. I'm coming to realize that motherhood seems to be a series of difficult decisions and questions, and it seems like no matter what you decide, you always feel like you made the wrong choice, or are left forever wondering what would have happened if you had gone the other way. If things would have been better, or worse.

I just hope I get through this with both of us in one piece, sane, and reasonably happy.

Helloooooooooo, I'm a caaaaaaaaaar.

Anyway, have I mentioned that I LOVE Dane Cook? I know, a lot of people talk crap about him.

"He doesn't even tell JOKES. He just YELLS and makes faces."

Poop on them. Dane is a funny freakin' guy. And he's not bad on the eyes, either.

He makes me crack up, and I'm not even much of a stand up comic gal. I was into George Carlin for a while but it seems like the older he gets, the more cynical he gets. And that makes him progressively less funny. I do still like his older stuff though.

Hmm.

I also love Kevin Smith. Yes, Silent Bob. I know his movies abound with fart jokes and stoner humor, but there's also some awesome dialogue and some heartfelt stuff in there as well. Plus the man's really smart and hilarious to listen to. I also like the fact that he is really in touch with his fans and doesn't hesitate to rip anyone who tries to trash talk him a new one.

I was way too upset when the Croc Hunter died. I watched the memorial on Animal Planet and cried like a wuss. My excuse for this is that I was PREGNANT, ok, and I had HORMONES and MOOD SWINGS and...whatever. It was sad.

I am a Disney movie fanatic. This bodes well for my child, as I will actually be able to sit and watch cartoony movies with her and NOT be bored.

Actually, I just love kid movies in general. Except for the cheap straight to DVD sequels. Those suck.

I dunno what's up with this post, really. I just felt like sharing random bits of me with everyone.

GIANT kudos to anyone who can tell me where my post title came from.

Things To Come

Little One is sleeping now (oh, the miracle of swaddling) and I actually got a full(ish) night's sleep, so I'm feeling rather mellow right now.

You know what I can't wait for? When she is old enough to start reading. Because my child will be a reader. Or at least, I hope she will. Because there are so many awesome books I want to share with her. Stuff I read when I was little. Stuff I am reading now. And I hope that she loves books as much as her mommy, because TV is just no substitute for a good book. Now, I'm not one of those, "We won't have a TV in the house it rots your brain" type parents. But I think it sucks that not many people read actual books anymore. It seems like everything is being replaced by electronic devices.

It makes me sad.

Some people will never know the joy of re-reading a book you've read who knows how many times, just because the story and the characters are so awesome. Or smell that old book smell. Or know how great it is to find books from your childhood that you loved but had forgotten about. Or stay up all night reading because the book is so good that you just have to know what happens next.

So I hope my kid is a reader. I don't want her to miss out on the awesomeness that is books.

And does it make me a total dork that I just CANNOT wait for the last Harry Potter book to come out? And that I may have to find a babysitter for little one (or bribe the husband) so that I can go out and buy it at midnight and then stay up all night reading it, like I did with the last two books?

Maybe.

Oh well.

Humans-The Next Step!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

I think humans should lay eggs. Wait, hang in there. Think of how easy birth would be. Just pop out a nice, contoured egg, instead of a squirmy baby full of knees and elbows and such. Pregnancy would only last like, 2 months, then we'd just have to incubate our little eggy babies. No morning sickness, no achy backs, no heartburn, no huge belly to cart around, no stretch marks...wouldn't it be nice? Then you'd just wait for your little one to...urm, hatch...and bam, little bundle of joy, sans hours of painful labor.

Well, I think it's a good idea. Notify whoever's in charge of this whole human evolution thing. Platypuses (platypi?) lay eggs, and they're mammals.

Easter would be kinda weird. And people probably wouldn't care for scrambled eggs anymore. Yech.

Anyway.

Little one is doing well. She's been a bit of a fussy butt the last few days, but I don't think it's bad enough to be considered colic. Just a case of the grumps. And as a giant YAY, Dad might not have to leave me for 2 months to go on that job, since we're going to try to sell the house and then all move together, instead of this whole split up while he goes to make some extra moola while I try to sell the house thing. I hated the idea from the get go. So hopefully the house sells soon.

Now that I think about it, wouldn't it be neat if we were marsupials? Pop out a little baby the size of a bean and then carry them around in our pouches for a few months. No fuss, no muss. By the time they leave the pouch they'd be walking and feeding themselves. Neato. I think I like this better than the egg idea, as I'm rather attached to scrambled eggs with cheese.