Tuesday, February 27, 2007

What Now?

Here I am, about to post another long diatribe about the wonder that is my husband.

Well, the talk didn't seem to help. Today he left at 8:00 am to go for his job interview. No phone call until 2, when he informs me that he is playing basketball at his friend's house. Then no phone call until 6, when he informs me that he is going over to another friend's house. Then nothing until 8, when he drops by to pick up a change of clothes and informs me that he is spending the night over at said friend's house.

I go apeshit. I ask him what the hell is wrong with him. I tell him he is acting like he only gives a shit about himself and not his wife or baby. I tell him if he wants to leave me he should just go ahead and leave. I ask him what the hell he wants from me.

He says I jump his ass about being gone too much. He says he feels smothered. Then he contradicts himself and says maybe I should speak up more(???!). He says he is stressed out and wants to be somewhere where he can not have to think about things like bills, or jobs. Or babies, I guess. I tell him I don't get to do that. I am here at this house, 24/7, taking care of a baby full time with little to no help from him and worrying about all the same things he is. I bawl. He just keeps saying he will be home in the morning, and we can talk more then. Then he leaves.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been nice, I have ignored it, I have jumped his ass, I have cried, I have point blank told him I can't do this alone and I need his help. Nothing makes a difference.

I never thought in a million years he would do this. He was the one that's been telling me he wants kids practically since we got together. He WANTED me to get pregnant. Apparently what he also wanted was a baby that changes itself, feeds itself, and sleeps on demand. Yeah, those don't exist.

So now I am forced to look at the prospect of being a single mother. Maybe that is jumping to conclusions, but my god, looking at the way he has been acting ever since she got here and the fact that it just keeps getting worse as time goes on...maybe it is possible. Maybe I will get tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and kick him out myself. And I don't know if I can do it. Being a single mom terrifies me. I will have to go and try to find a job, and who will watch the baby? How the hell will I ever sleep if I work during the day and take care of Little One all night? Grocery shop? Go to the laundry mat? Shower? How do single moms do anything? And then, besides the baby, I will be single again. And women with babies aren't exactly prime dating material.

I just don't know anymore.

So here I am, dangling. At the end of my rope.

Any suggestions?