Thoughts n' Stuff

There's my daughter! I told you I was a bad photographer, but look at that grin!

They should make a freakin button on the TV that makes the remote control beep. You know, like what they have for cordless phones. I lose the damn remote constantly. Doesn't help that we have like 4 different remotes, either.

Top Ten Favorite Movies (In No Particular Order)

1. Dragonheart
   
2. All the Kevin Smith movies (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Jersey Girl, Clerks 2. Yea, there's 7 of em. I know it's cheating.)
3. Cinderella Man
4. Braveheart
5. The Lion King
6. Bruce Almighty
7. Bad Santa
8. Pirates of the Carribean 1 & 2
9. My Best Friend's Wedding
10. Indiana Jones 1, 2, & 3
    

I am still all excited about the new Harry Potter book. It needs to be July already. (<---loser)

Men suck. Some of em, anyway.

Bleh.

What Now?

Here I am, about to post another long diatribe about the wonder that is my husband.

Well, the talk didn't seem to help. Today he left at 8:00 am to go for his job interview. No phone call until 2, when he informs me that he is playing basketball at his friend's house. Then no phone call until 6, when he informs me that he is going over to another friend's house. Then nothing until 8, when he drops by to pick up a change of clothes and informs me that he is spending the night over at said friend's house.

I go apeshit. I ask him what the hell is wrong with him. I tell him he is acting like he only gives a shit about himself and not his wife or baby. I tell him if he wants to leave me he should just go ahead and leave. I ask him what the hell he wants from me.

He says I jump his ass about being gone too much. He says he feels smothered. Then he contradicts himself and says maybe I should speak up more(???!). He says he is stressed out and wants to be somewhere where he can not have to think about things like bills, or jobs. Or babies, I guess. I tell him I don't get to do that. I am here at this house, 24/7, taking care of a baby full time with little to no help from him and worrying about all the same things he is. I bawl. He just keeps saying he will be home in the morning, and we can talk more then. Then he leaves.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I have been nice, I have ignored it, I have jumped his ass, I have cried, I have point blank told him I can't do this alone and I need his help. Nothing makes a difference.

I never thought in a million years he would do this. He was the one that's been telling me he wants kids practically since we got together. He WANTED me to get pregnant. Apparently what he also wanted was a baby that changes itself, feeds itself, and sleeps on demand. Yeah, those don't exist.

So now I am forced to look at the prospect of being a single mother. Maybe that is jumping to conclusions, but my god, looking at the way he has been acting ever since she got here and the fact that it just keeps getting worse as time goes on...maybe it is possible. Maybe I will get tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and kick him out myself. And I don't know if I can do it. Being a single mom terrifies me. I will have to go and try to find a job, and who will watch the baby? How the hell will I ever sleep if I work during the day and take care of Little One all night? Grocery shop? Go to the laundry mat? Shower? How do single moms do anything? And then, besides the baby, I will be single again. And women with babies aren't exactly prime dating material.

I just don't know anymore.

So here I am, dangling. At the end of my rope.

Any suggestions?

100 things

You knew it had to happen eventually, didn't you? Here goes:

1. I have an insane fear of large cockroaches. I will go into hysterics . I nearly brained my husband once when he was dumb enough to get in my escape path. I ran him the fuck over and he had a black eye the next day.
2. I love reptiles. Currently I have 3 snakes and 4 geckos.
3. I worked at Petco for 3 years. If you have an animal or pet related question, I'm your gal.
4. I don't remember the first time I kissed my husband. I was too drunk.
5. I have 4 tattoos.
6. I cried like a bitch when the Croc Hunter died.
7. I have abnormally long toes.
8. I am the world's worst procrastinator.
9. Both of my parents died before I was 16.
10. I LOVE to read. I will read all day and all night, if given the chance.
11. I am an avid Harry potter fan. But only the books.
12. I have not yet seen a movie adaptation of a book that I am satisfied with. Lord of the Rings came close, but no cigar.
13. I love to play video games.
14. I am a pretty good artist.
15. I am not fond of cats.
16. When I was little, I lived in Hawaii. My house was across the street from the ocean, and surrounded on three sides by forest.
17. My dad was the president of a biker gang/truck driver/bull rider in the rodeo.
18. I absolutely refuse to sing in front of ANYONE, at ALL, unless I am sloshed. Then I will sing country music for hours.
19. I am still to scared to let my daughter sleep in her crib.
20. I love Kevin Smith.
21. My favorite movie is Dragonheart.
22. I have never been in a fistfight. I have come close, but no actually punching occurred.
23. I had a secret crush on one of my co-workers the whole time I was pregnant.
24. I absolutely hate that movie Donnie Darko.
25. I also despise Rap and R&B.
26. I have only been to five concerts.
27. I kinda play guitar.
28. I am god awful at math.
29. One day, I want to visit Ireland.
30. I hate it when people pull the race card when there is no racism involved. Hate, hate, hate it.
31. I cannot take a decent photograph to save my life.
32. I love the show Family Guy.
33. I have a very sarcastic sense of humor.
34. Sometimes I get so bored that I go into chat rooms and pick fights with radicals and zealots.
35. I would pay money to sleep more than 5 hours straight.
36. I am not a religious person.
37. I hate soap operas. Always have.
38. My favorite comedians are Dane Cook, Eddie Izzard, and Robert Williams.
39. I love peanut butter, but not too big on chocolate.
40. I was reading at a college level in fifth grade, but other than that I'm not really abnormally intelligent.
41. I am analytical. VERY analytical.
42. ...the meaning of life? (Kudos if you get it.)
43. When I was little I used to run around pretending to be various animals. I even tied a piece of rope to my belt loop as a "tail".
44. I have always been a bit of an introvert.
45. I always close my eyes the first time I ride a roller coaster.
46. I would like to go sky diving, but would probably chicken out at the last minute.
47. I love horror movies.
48. I hate the beach. The sand gets everywhere, the water is nasty, your hair gets gross from the saltwater...uck. Seriously hate the beach.
49. I can get a sunburn so bad that I can barely walk and still, I will peel and be pale again. This annoys me.
50. I love Kahlua Mudslides and Pina Coladas.
51. I smoke too much.
52. I am a very jealous person sometimes.
53. I hate Sprite, 7up and anything lemon or lime flavored.
54. I was addicted to Popsicles for the last month of my pregnancy. I ate about 20 a day.
55. I have a really hard time naming living creatures. We still call our cat kitty and we didn't settle on a name for our daughter until a week before her due date.
56. I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer religiously. My friend and I were so obsessed we would call each other during commercial breaks to talk about what was happening.
57. I love lists.
58. I have never shot a gun.
59.I hit the snooze button WAY too many times. Or at least I did, back before I gave birth to a tiny little alarm clock.
60. I have gotten drunk enough to black out once or twice.
61. I don't really like spicy food.
62. I am a sucker for blue eyes.
63. I hate sleeping alone.
64. I do not know how to play poker.
65. I cannot cook for beans. I am learning, though.
66. I hate sports. or anything remotely athletic.
67. Elevators kinda freak me out.
68. So do escalators. I am always scared it will grab my shoelaces and suck me in.
69. Porcelain dolls and clowns scare me.
70. I swear a lot. Probably too much.
71. I believe in ghosts.
72. I am still a little afraid of the dark. If my husband is not with me I usually sleep with the TV on. I blame this on watching too many horror movies.
73. After I saw The Ring for the first time I slept facing my TV for a week.
74. I have never skinny dipped, but I have had sex in a pool.
75. I think porn is kinda boring.
76. My favorite TV show when I was little was M*A*S*H*. I was a weird child.
77. There is one person on this earth that I really, truly HATE.
78. I have been to 5 US states.
79. I got made fun of for my name a lot when I was younger.
80. I am horrible with giving directions. I WILL get you lost.
81. I would rather be deaf than blind.
82. My favorite food is Italian or Chinese, depending on my mood.
83. My favorite Disney movie is The Lion King. I can recite it from memory.
84. I don't get embarrassed very easily.
85. I love country music.
86. I never played with barbies when I was little. I saw the Chucky movies, and that just kinda ruined it for me. Dolls freaked me out after that.
87. I have only been camping at the beach, never the woods.
88. I hate beer.
89. I never got into trouble in High School, but only because I wasn't dumb enough to get caught.
90. I went through a phase when I was about 17 or 18 where I was drunk or high almost every day. After a while I got bored with it and straightened up.
91. I don't really watch much TV.
92. I love kid movies.
93. Caring for a newborn is way harder than I thought it would be.
94. I have one half sister.
95. I love WalMart.
96. I never got into reality shows.
97. I STILL want to know what the hell was up with the polar bear on Lost.
98. This damn thing took forever.
99. I am now hungry.
100. And want a cigarette.

Ode To Poop

We had another pee explosion this morning (Pampers can rot in hell) with an added bonus of poop.

So I'm changing the kiddo, and her clothes, digging out a new blanket, etc. all while half asleep.

I get her all wrapped up, and I'm picking her up to feed her. As my hand slides under the back of her head, I feel something...squishy.

What the hell?

I am so out of it, that I stare blearily at the whatever it is stuck to my finger, and give it a sniff.

It is poop.

Oh yes. My darling daughter has a FREAKIN POOP NUGGET STUCK TO THE BACK OF HER HEAD.

How did this happen? She has ninja poops, I swear to friggin god. Husband got one stuck to his big toe the other night. They pop out of the diapers and go nuggeting around the house, just waiting for an opportunity.

Did I mention I'm not even a morning person?

I Am Housewife, Hear Me Roar

Well.

So I realized that yea, I guess I WAS acting a bit like a doormat. I mean, why should he stop pulling that kinda crap if I wasn't going to really put my foot down?

So, when he woke up this morning (he ended up coming home at like, 3 AM) I had a long talk with him. I told him that what he has been doing is bullshit. I told him that going out every night and leaving me home with the baby made me feel like we weren't as important as his friends and boozing it up. I told him I was tired of him walking all over me and acting like what I said or felt about the situation didn't matter.

He did his typical, I'm gonna joke around to try and change the subject thing that he does, but I was having none of it. Not this time.

He said that he was just feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole Daddy thing. To which I said, "How do you think I feel, being here 24/7 with no help? How's THAT for being overwhelmed?"

Then he tried the, "Well I was just trying to get it out of my system before I go back to work, and I never have time to go hang out anymore." To which I replied, "Welcome to being an adult. It sucks."

So by the time I'm done, and he's given the requisite, "I'm gonna stop, I promise. I'll stay home more." I'm tired. So I ask him if he will watch little one for a couple of hours so that I can nap a bit, steeling myself for some excuse. Nothing. He agrees meekly. "She's probably hungry, so you might want to make her a bottle," I say, waiting for the, "Can't you feed her before you go lay down?" Again, nothing. Holy crap. "Can you make me a sandwich?" Sandwich made and delivered to me, in bed. He even brought me a coke. At this point I decide not to push my luck any further. I just ate and went to sleep.

I know this is probably all ass kissing so I won't be mad at him anymore, but it's still nice. We'll have to wait and see if he actually sticks to what he said. I think I actually made my point this time, so I'm hopeful.

Roar!

JERK

What I meant was fucking asshole, but I wasn't sure if I could put that as a post title.

So yea, he comes home and guess the fuck what? HE ASKS ME IF HE CAN GO STAY THE NIGHT AT HIS FRIEND'S HOUSE.

What the hell is he, ten? And he has said friend with him. I gave him my best, I Am Going To Kill You NOW look, and I'm like, "What the FUCK?"

Then he starts babbling about how he is playing games over there and he wants to drink and blah blah blah *insert glares from me* and how he'll be back tomorrow.

So his friend leaves the room. And I start crying, you know, because I am just too upset to be bitchy at this point. I told him to do whatever the fuck he wants because he is obviously going to do it anyway. Any man with half a brain in his skull knows this is NOT permission, but a warning that if he leaves he may well never have sex again.

And then he leaves.

With me still crying, because I'm so damn upset that his sorry ass seems to think playing games and drinking with his friends is more important than his wife and daughter.

What the fuck?

Enough Is Enough

Alright, this is getting ridiculous.

Before I get into my main topic here, just let me say that Pampers Baby Dry SUCK. We got a giant package of them at my baby shower and hey, free diapers right?

Baby DRY? They should have called them Pampers Baby-Will-Wake-You-Shrieking-At-3AM-Because-Of-Massive-Pee-Explosion. Twice. Yea.

Anyway.

My husband is missing the danger signs. You already know about the whole other woman after his nuts thing, but get this. He has gone out to hang out with his friends nearly every night this week. Monday we actually both went to our friend's house to toss a few back and relax baby-free. So I'll give him that one, since we both went. Tuesday we stayed home. Wednesday he SPENT THE NIGHT over at the same friend's house after getting sloshed on Vodka and playing pool half the night. Thursday he kinda stayed home, but only because he didn't come home from the night before until about 4 in the afternoon. Last night he went driving to League City with HER. Yes, that's right. Tonight he is currently over at his other friend's house playing X-Box. And tomorrow night he is going out to play pool.

Lest you think me a doormat, this is after I had a long conversation with him last night about how he never helps with the baby (he always has some shit-poor excuse like, "I don't feel good. My head hurts. I'm tired. I'm hungry. In a minute, I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette. Holy god, it's a poopy diaper. This one's all you.") and seems to want to go out every night, leaving me with her, even though by this point I'm pretty damn exhausted, as "that's what mommies do."

Yes, he actually said that.

Now, he does love his daughter. And though it may kinda sound that way, he is not going to go running off into the night and leave me a single mom or anything. I think he is just having problems, well, growing up. I think it's hard for him to accept that hey, he has a kid now, and the freedom to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, is no longer there. Only I don't seem to be able to get this thought through his thick skull.

Have I mentioned that he isn't working yet?

And that SHE has invited him to a Toby Keith concert, JUST THE TWO OF THEM, and he wants to go?

God, this makes me look pretty bad all written out. But I swear, I really am not one of those meek little housewives that lets her husband push her around. It just kind of all seems to happen whether I protest or not, and before I quite realize it he is off out the door again.

Well, enough is enough. I have been holding back thus far, thinking maybe he would get it out of his system and settle down a bit, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I didn't want to have to go all St. Helen's on him but it seems I am left with no choice in the matter. I think he is just going to keep up what he is doing until I murder him in my sleep or take the car and run away to Vegas, sans baby. Which of course I would never do. Although I have thought about just mysteriously disappearing for a few hours and leaving the baby with him, no warning, just so he can see what it's like for me.

At any rate, like I said, I think when he comes home tonight we are going to have a long talk. I have tried being nice and accommodating and gently suggesting and slightly more pissily suggesting and it hasn't worked. So tonight my Uber-Bitch is coming out. He is going to see my POV one way or the other.

Thanks for the support guys, and I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

On Mothering

I don't think I've yet figured out what kind of mother I will be.

On the one hand, you have the overprotective zealot moms. The ones who want to ban books from libraries, protest violence and sex in movies and TV, and generally shelter their kids from anything they deem offensive. The kind who have a sort of, My Way Is The Only Way outlook on parenting. These are usually the moms who think spanking is the devil incarnate and the like. They don't really seem to be happy unless they are wrangling to get something banned, taken off their air or edited.

Then, you have the other side of the spectrum. The "cool" moms, who generally let their kids do, say, watch, wear or read anything they want, who don't impose curfews, who let their kids just generally run wild and expect them to learn their own lessons with a minimum of guidance.

Most mothers fall into a kind of gray area between the two, sometimes leaning farther to one side or the other, but mostly just trying to find a balance between sheltering your child from things and letting them find their own way, form their own opinions and beliefs.

This is the kind of mom I hope I turn out to be. In a way, I think it is the hardest, because you have no cut and dried rules for any given situation. There's no dogma in how you cope with situations that arise; each has to be evaluated and a livable (for both of you) conclusion arrived at. You have to look at things and think to yourself, Will this harm my child? Will it affect how he sees himself, or others? Will it cause him to have a biased view? Will it make him think he can walk all over me? Am I trying to shelter him too much, so that he won't be prepared when the big bad world out there comes and knocks him on his ass for the first time? Is he ready for this yet, or should I wait? Do I care what everyone else will say about my decision? Can I deal with their criticism?

So many questions. I'm coming to realize that motherhood seems to be a series of difficult decisions and questions, and it seems like no matter what you decide, you always feel like you made the wrong choice, or are left forever wondering what would have happened if you had gone the other way. If things would have been better, or worse.

I just hope I get through this with both of us in one piece, sane, and reasonably happy.

Get Off My Kool Aid

Well, I installed that nifty little trackback thing on my blog here.

They failed to warn me that it would DELETE all my previous comments.

Bastards.

On another note (one just as pissy, sorry to say) I am about to kick some ass. More specifically, the ass of a certain female that seems to think it is OK to flirt and hit on other women's HUSBANDS.

Yea.

I don't think she knows how close I am to pummelling her into a little pile of mush. SHE doesn't seem to think there's anything wrong with the way she acts. And the husband seems to think it's OK to go traipsing about with our group of friends and include her in everything. She calls him MULTIPLE times a day to ask him to go here or there like he's got some kind of responsibility to escort her every damn place she wants to go.

Does this chick have no FRIENDS?

No, she doesn't. And I can only imagine why. I have talked to the husband (I really need to think up a nifty code name for him like everyone else has) about this and while he seems to get what I mean he also laughs it off and thinks I'm overreacting. He starts saying how she doesn't have anyone else to hang out with (geewonderWHY) and how nothing is going to happen as he's not going to cheat on me and she is afraid of me anyway (which fills me with a malicious kind of glee) so nothing is going to happen.

But.

He HAS cheated on me once before, when we were going through a rocky stage. And I've always been a believer of the phrase, "Once a cheater always a cheater." I keep my jealousy monster pretty well leashed with most things...but there's always that little voice in the back of my head yammering "What if, what if." And now that Little One is in the picture (the first time was pre-baby) it adds a whole new dimension. Now, if anything were to happen, it would be the father of my CHILD cheating on me.

Argh. I really, really want to trust him as the last thing I need is more stress right now but...I dunno. I plan on having a talk with said chick about how certain things are inappropriate when some one's husband is in the picture, and she better take note.

Because Mommy don't take no shit.

Helloooooooooo, I'm a caaaaaaaaaar.

Anyway, have I mentioned that I LOVE Dane Cook? I know, a lot of people talk crap about him.

"He doesn't even tell JOKES. He just YELLS and makes faces."

Poop on them. Dane is a funny freakin' guy. And he's not bad on the eyes, either.

He makes me crack up, and I'm not even much of a stand up comic gal. I was into George Carlin for a while but it seems like the older he gets, the more cynical he gets. And that makes him progressively less funny. I do still like his older stuff though.

Hmm.

I also love Kevin Smith. Yes, Silent Bob. I know his movies abound with fart jokes and stoner humor, but there's also some awesome dialogue and some heartfelt stuff in there as well. Plus the man's really smart and hilarious to listen to. I also like the fact that he is really in touch with his fans and doesn't hesitate to rip anyone who tries to trash talk him a new one.

I was way too upset when the Croc Hunter died. I watched the memorial on Animal Planet and cried like a wuss. My excuse for this is that I was PREGNANT, ok, and I had HORMONES and MOOD SWINGS and...whatever. It was sad.

I am a Disney movie fanatic. This bodes well for my child, as I will actually be able to sit and watch cartoony movies with her and NOT be bored.

Actually, I just love kid movies in general. Except for the cheap straight to DVD sequels. Those suck.

I dunno what's up with this post, really. I just felt like sharing random bits of me with everyone.

GIANT kudos to anyone who can tell me where my post title came from.

I Love Lists

I saw this blog idea here.

I thought it was a nifty noodle idea, so I'm snagging it as well. You are supposed to list one thing about 50 people you know. Here goes.

1. I thought you were crazy when I first met you. All you did was talk about guns.
2. The night we found out we both lived in Hawaii around the same time when we were kids and adopted each other (drunkenly) as long lost brother and sister was great.
3. You put me through more pain than any other person ever has, and I still don't really hate you.
4. I miss you a lot sometimes...we always had so much fun.
5. I wish we had been closer when you were alive. I feel like I missed out on a lot.
6. I LOVE your laugh. It never fails to crack me up.
7. God, how I wish I had never dated you.
8.I think you are quite possibly the most unfair person I ever met.
9 You need to take care of your kids, and stop dating young girls, you perv.
10. I miss our horror movie discussions.
11. Keep your bald head out of pregnant lady's vaginas.
12. Watch yourself around my husband or I will END you.
13. I hope our kids get to hang out sometime.
14. You are the most mellow person I've ever met. I want to see you angry.
15. Thanks for bringing me out of my shell. Petco sucks.
16. I am glad we're in touch again. We need to stay that way.
17. Where are you these days? I hope you cleaned yourself up.
18. Thank god you have 5 kids, as you are now my mentor.
19. You gave the best massages ever, as well as being one of the funniest people I've met.
20. I always wished we would become better friends. We never did...curse my shyness.
21. You have the biggest forehead...ever.
22. I'm sad for you. Break up with him already.
23. Why did you beat the crap out of your sister? I'm curious.
24. Get your own damn car!
25. You need to grow up, be a man, and take responsibility.
26. I'm so glad I didn't sleep with you, scumbag.
27. Yes, I did have a teensy crush on you. I think it was the tattoos.
28. You were my first kiss, and you scared the crap out of me leaping at my face like that.
29. You remind me of my husband, but in a totally platonic way.
30. How come you never hang out with us anymore?
31. I still want my money, dammit.
32. I like you, but you talk too much crap about others behind their backs.
33. Lighten up already, you look like a grumpy version of the Joker.
34. I love you to death and consider you my sister.
35. If I ever see you again I may very well beat the crap out of you. So watch out.
36. You are awesome. And have answers to all my fish questions.
37. I wish you had stayed, I never would have quit.
38. What a stupid thing to get fired for. I missed you when I went back to work and you weren't there anymore.
39. How did you stay so skinny after two kids??
40. I'm glad we grew out of that.
41. I miss the stupid crap we used to pull. Sure it was dumb, but SO much fun.
42. I liked you even though you are one of his exes.
43. I would like you a lot more if you could stand up for yourself.
44. You are goofy, but an ok guy.
45. I don't really know you that well, but we have a lot in common. We should talk more.
46. Are you SURE you are 100% straight?
47. Your voice irritates me.
48. I only met you once, but I think you are an awesome person.
49. I was so glad to finally meet you!
50. You were my best friend for like 10 years. I can't believe we lost touch.

Things To Come

Little One is sleeping now (oh, the miracle of swaddling) and I actually got a full(ish) night's sleep, so I'm feeling rather mellow right now.

You know what I can't wait for? When she is old enough to start reading. Because my child will be a reader. Or at least, I hope she will. Because there are so many awesome books I want to share with her. Stuff I read when I was little. Stuff I am reading now. And I hope that she loves books as much as her mommy, because TV is just no substitute for a good book. Now, I'm not one of those, "We won't have a TV in the house it rots your brain" type parents. But I think it sucks that not many people read actual books anymore. It seems like everything is being replaced by electronic devices.

It makes me sad.

Some people will never know the joy of re-reading a book you've read who knows how many times, just because the story and the characters are so awesome. Or smell that old book smell. Or know how great it is to find books from your childhood that you loved but had forgotten about. Or stay up all night reading because the book is so good that you just have to know what happens next.

So I hope my kid is a reader. I don't want her to miss out on the awesomeness that is books.

And does it make me a total dork that I just CANNOT wait for the last Harry Potter book to come out? And that I may have to find a babysitter for little one (or bribe the husband) so that I can go out and buy it at midnight and then stay up all night reading it, like I did with the last two books?

Maybe.

Oh well.

This is Great!!

I'm not much of a link poster, really, but you HAVE to watch this. It's freakin hilarious!


http://www.theneweditor.com/index.php?/archives/4917-This-Will-Make-You-Laugh.html

Stressness

It's been a tough couple of days.

The other half has been driving my bananas. He doesn't quite get why it upsets me that he can act like everything is the same (going out of the house whenever he wants, or even peeing or sleeping) meanwhile everything is totally different for me. Things like eating and sleeping are no longer something I can do whenever the urge takes me. I mean, there's no reason for us both to be housebound and suffering from cabin fever, but he just seems like he is trying to act like everything is the same as it was pre-baby, when it isn't. Ugh.

Little one has also settled into a routine of nightly fussiness where everything pisses her off. She even pisses herself off and then hollers about it. I don't think it's colic, as it doesn't seem to be bad enough to qualify, but it's still a little bit frustrating. I find myself wishing time would move a little faster, as it seems like this whole thing will get a bit easier. I know, wishful thinking. I know I have teething and the terrible twos and so on to get through, but I think just getting a few solid hours of sleep would make a lot of things easier at this point.

Does it qualify as postpartum if I cry very easily, or is that normal? Not that postpartum is un-normal, but you know what I mean.

*Sigh*

Mommy needs a drink.

Rocket Biscuits

The other half worked at KFC once, a few years back. One day (his last day, incidentally) he ran into a difficult customer. Those of you who have worked retail know the type-snotty, rude, and convinced they are SO much better than you.

Well, said customer pushed him just a bit to far. The following insued:

Hubby: Thank you for your order. Would you like to try our new rocket biscuits?

Customer: Rocket bicuits?

Hubby: *hurls biscuit into said customer's face*


How many of you have wanted to do something like this? I know I have.

Humans-The Next Step!

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

I think humans should lay eggs. Wait, hang in there. Think of how easy birth would be. Just pop out a nice, contoured egg, instead of a squirmy baby full of knees and elbows and such. Pregnancy would only last like, 2 months, then we'd just have to incubate our little eggy babies. No morning sickness, no achy backs, no heartburn, no huge belly to cart around, no stretch marks...wouldn't it be nice? Then you'd just wait for your little one to...urm, hatch...and bam, little bundle of joy, sans hours of painful labor.

Well, I think it's a good idea. Notify whoever's in charge of this whole human evolution thing. Platypuses (platypi?) lay eggs, and they're mammals.

Easter would be kinda weird. And people probably wouldn't care for scrambled eggs anymore. Yech.

Anyway.

Little one is doing well. She's been a bit of a fussy butt the last few days, but I don't think it's bad enough to be considered colic. Just a case of the grumps. And as a giant YAY, Dad might not have to leave me for 2 months to go on that job, since we're going to try to sell the house and then all move together, instead of this whole split up while he goes to make some extra moola while I try to sell the house thing. I hated the idea from the get go. So hopefully the house sells soon.

Now that I think about it, wouldn't it be neat if we were marsupials? Pop out a little baby the size of a bean and then carry them around in our pouches for a few months. No fuss, no muss. By the time they leave the pouch they'd be walking and feeding themselves. Neato. I think I like this better than the egg idea, as I'm rather attached to scrambled eggs with cheese.

Peanut Butter and Jelly

...is my new nutrition staple. I guess because it's quick and easy. I have also mastered the art of finishing a meal in 5.2 seconds flat, cuz we all know how babies have that nifty little radar that tells them when their parents are trying to eat and cues them to scream like all the demons of hell are after them.

The livable amount of sleep I have been getting is about to go out the window, as Daddy is about to go on a job and will be gone for like 2 MONTHS. I am in a bit of panic about this as I don't know how I am going to deal with caring for the munchkin all by myself.

All this business with the ghost kitty has reminded me of my first ghost encounter. I was on vacation in Oklahoma with my best friend one summer. We were staying at her grandmother's vacation house (which was empty the rest of the year). We were up playing cards one night at like, 2:00 in the morning and I started talking about how sleeping in strange places freaks me out. Pretty soon I had us both creeped out ("You don't know if somebody could have died here. Somebody could have died RIGHT IN THIS ROOM.") and then she decides she has to pee. Of course at this point the journey down the dark hallway is not looking too fun so she begs me to come with.

Cue creepy music.

We stand up (we were sleeping on cots) to make the trek and the split second our feet hit the floor, we hear something come POUNDING down the hallway, running full speed towards our door. We leaped screaming back onto our cots and proceeded to hyperventilate. The running stopped as soon as we were back on our cots. (OK, by this time we were huddled on the same cot.) Keep in mind, now, that the only other people in the house are her elderly grandmother and her sister. Her grandmother certainly wasn't running anyplace and we could hear her sister snoring in the living room. No cats, no dogs, nothing.

We are freaked. But she still has to pee. And Heroic Friend Girl still has to go with her, despite wanting to hide under the blankets and leave said friend to become ghost chow in the hallway. So after much debate and deep breathing, we try again.

Our feet hit the floor.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP.

Again! We both take flying leaps back onto my cot ( which promptly collapses, as cheap camping cots are no match for 2 terrified, airborne teenagers) and resumed screaming our heads off until her grandmother bursts in the door ( which triggers louder screams, as we were sure it was the thump ghost from the hall) and asks us what the HELL we were shrieking about at that hour of the night. Of course she didn't believe us, and tried to comfort us with a bunch of Christian talk (nothing against godly folk here, but that wasn't Jesus running down the hall at us). Our ghostly friend chose not to make another appearance. My friend finally did get to pee, though.

So anyone else got any ghost encounters? Do share.

From the Land of No Sleep

Wow.

No one warned me (ok, I lie. They did.) about how very little sleep I would be getting. This whole parenting a newborn thing is pretty...exhausting? Awesome? Stressful? Mind blowing? Nerve racking? Pick an adjective.

Anyway my plans for this blog are going slightly off course, as I can barely find the time, energy or inclination to drag myself out of my cozy bed-nest of bottles, baby, and blankies.

I shall try harder.

Even though no one's reading this thing.

Yet.

I think my apartment has a ghost cat. Yes, a cat. I can't even escape cats in the supernatural realm, apparently. But I see the damn thing running down the hall and when I look down the hall, all the doors are closed, but there is no cat. I don't even really want the cat I have, let alone an ethereal one. Bleh. At least it won't shed all over everything and pee on my clothes.

Duty calls.